Okay! Medium-Well it is!

Question: When does "well-done...very well-done" translate to "medium well"? When you order eggs at IHOP.

We went out to dinner tonight and I ordered the Strawberry Crepes with the bacon and sausage combo. I was hungry - skipped lunch today - and couldn't pick between bacon and sausage. Well...that came out fine... it was the eggs I ended up having a problem with.

Because I am sick of scrambled eggs and tired of them sticking around forever in burp-form, I have switched to ordering fried eggs. Fried eggs that are EXTREMELY well done, that is.

We don't do "runny".

We don't like to cut open an egg with a fork and have any liquid ooze out, especially yellow liquid.

We don't. Really.

So I order my eggs "Fried, please, but really, really well done. VERY well done." That's my exact order.

The waitress tonight (who really was sweet and nice and all that) says back to me "Okay, you want your eggs medium-well.".

I said "No. I want them VERY well done. Nothing runny at all. Just really cook the heck out of them.".

She says again, "got it. Medium-well."

Sigh.

I tried one more time. "Nope, not medium-well. Very well."

"Uh-huh," waitress gushes. "Well done."

Leaning back with satisfaction, I listened to Kevin order his food. He orders his eggs scrambled with cheese. Hard to mess that up. Note: If I order that, it'd be "scrambled really well done, super hard, with no cheese." That normally comes out as ordered.

A few minutes of wonderful conversation later, our break-dinners come out. Ms. Chipper puts the plates down and bounces off to get ketchup for Kevin. I commenced performing an investigation of my plate and notice the eggs looking good at the edges (nice and brown and crunchy), however, in the middle they looked suspiciously bulky. This can't be good.

Picking up a fork, I press down on the bulge.....bracing myself for the inevitable while hoping against hope that my hunch was wrong.... Yellow stuff squirted out. Putting my fork down in disgust, I announced that this was not right, I would not, could not eat these eggs.

I ordered the eggs WELL done and had specifically said "nothing runny". Is that a concept that is difficult for waitresses? Is there an issue interpreting orders to the cook? Are waitresses supposed to review the order when they pick it up to make sure it's correct? I don't know! I would think so, but I really don't know.

Going against all conventional Restaurant Wisdom, I asked to have the eggs redone. She took my whole plate and left me with the Strawberry Crepe, which was fine because it was awesome! But eventually she came back and the eggs were cooked to perfection.

Nothing runny; well-done; brown. Yum.